Auditions 2022
Auditions came and went for my youth orchestra. We have an audition every year so our conductor can see our progress over the year. After the whole lot of rough patches with school and mental health, I didn’t put the usual 200% into practicing. I just picked the Bach Suite in G Major, that I have been practicing for months, and Nina. I didn’t give much thought into those pieces. Plus, I don’t think I was passionate about either of them. Nina was a late addition, so I went with that on whim. I worked on that piece during summer 2021. So the Suite was what I was worried about. As amazing as Bach’s suites are, I couldn’t muster the energy to reach into the composer.
For me, that’s the key to every piece. You have to reach into the music and search for the invisible tether connecting you and the composer. The experience is almost like meeting the composer themself. That didn’t happen with the Suite. I got frustrated in a matter of minutes, which I think was because I was on this piece for too long. I didn’t do my whole research about Bach. Yes, Bach is a well-known and well-regarded composer, so I do know certain details about him. On the other hand, there is tons of information I don’t know about Bach. Deep down, I wanted a change, but at the time, I couldn’t change the piece even if I wanted to. I had done Baroque music for all my auditions, and every year, my luck had to land on a Baroque piece. I love that time period with its contrasting dynamics and color, but every musician needs to work with different styles every now and then. I ought to have pushed for that change, but in the midst of an audition whispering in my ear 24/7, I didn’t say much.
On audition day, I was super nervous, but I didn’t allow myself to be nervous. I suppressed my emotions, which I learned (in the days after) is the most counter-intuitive action to take. I kept repeating to myself that I wasn’t nervous. I did weird breathing techniques to get rid of the nerves. Looking back, I ought to have just let myself be nervous. What I ought to have said was, “It’s okay to be nervous; being nervous shows that you care, so soak up the butterflies and unsteady breathing. This is proof that you want the best not just for yourself but for the entire orchestra as well. Suppressing nervousness is like fighting ghosts in daylight.”
When I walked into the audition room, I still suppressed my nervousness. I first began with my three-octave G Major scale. By the third octave, my bow started shaking out of control. That shaky bow showed my nervousness in stark view. I didn’t expect the shocking effect of an in-person audition until I began the scale. Two years of online auditions does not help with an in-person one. Having a conductor watch you a few feet away gives a different vibe than a screen away.
After my scale, I played my pieces. I first started with Nina, and I wasn’t nervous at all to play. I think that piece never challenged me enough, since the music was repetitive. If I have butterflies when I perform, I know that I nailed the selection. Either way, the conductors stopped me three-fourths of the way because they wanted to hear the Bach Suite. The last time I got stopped for time was in my first audition.
Playing the Bach Suite gave me some shivers. In this piece, having control presented challenges for me. I remember the final four lines of the Prelude. My bow hand ignored my commands. I kept in decent-ish control, but in the slurred runs, my intonation got fuzzy. I kept feeling my intonation getting more off by the second. I played that last chord again with decent-ish intonation.
That chord wasn’t that last thing I played that day. I had to get through sight-reading. That went even worse than I thought. Looking back, my thoughts and emotions could have been heightened by adrenaline and anxiety. However, I know for a fact that I did not expect the sheer level of difficulty in that passage. I mean, conductors do give challenging pieces to see how we approach playing. By any means, our playing ought to not be perfect. I learned that in my first audition. Even then, I became panicked about the treble clef that was there for the majority of the passage. With violas, treble clef is not usually a big deal, but achieving orientation takes time. I did okay. I did not play the passage perfectly, note for note, but I got through.
Afterwards, there was such an awkward silence that I asked, “What can I do to improve?”
In those waiting seconds, I thought to myself, What are you asking??? Based on this performance today, there’s like a list of things to work on!!!!
Surprisingly, one of the other conductors smiled and replied, “Just play louder. Yo—”
My conductor broke in, “Yeah, yeah, that’s right.”
The intermediate conductor went on, “There’s just two of you in the viola section typically, so the more projection the better.”
I smiled weakly, “Got it! Thank you! I’ll be sure to work on that in the future.” I’m sure I said something along those lines. The last few minutes went by in a hazy blur.
A few months later, I got an offer as the principal violist. I think giving my one-hundred-percent in the audition was the key. Sure, things didn’t go as smoothly as I would’ve liked, but in the past, being one-hundred-percent gave wonderful, unexpected outcomes. Also, I think a lot of my emotions were simply heightened by again, adrenaline and anxiety. Emotions are not the most stable of things on the planet.
Another factor that helped was a two-way conversation where both people speak more than ten words. Key of word, people in and outside the music world appreciate a two-way interaction. A one-way interaction becomes stagnant and cold. If someone reciprocates by asking you a question, you become delighted. Why? Because that person is including you—thinking about you. The same concept applies here as well. In this world, thinking about others and asking them questions to answer goes a very, very, very long way. In other words, have self-advocacy everyday, all the way!!!
